*if u dun like emo crap, DON'T read on.


this is rly a tough period.

here's a "flow" of wads gg on with my life right now:

lack of confidence and lack of study -> not being able to do well in exams
not doing well in exams -> stress from parents + more remedials
stress from parents + remedials --> cannot go play anymore
cannot go play anymore --> lack of interaction time with my frens esp 402.
lack of interaction time with frens --> moodswing --> lose frens


yepp.. im rly damn pissed w myself.
i treat my frens too seriously and treat everything like they are some big thing, and when something happens..i juz cant help but being super affected by it..resulting in some mood swing tt i cant help but show it to my frens, which may cause them to feel pissed when they're in a bad mood too. :( sigh. i tink being my fren requires much patience and tolerance... so i tink i shld try to adapt to a life all by myself..so tt pple wun have to accomodate me anymore. and im rly sorry to my frens today.. yepp cos somehow i can feel tt uall wont be able to tolerate me any longer.. :(


i shld have been a normal person if tt didnt happen 4 yrs back..
sometimes i cant help it but push the blame to lao tian ye tt cast this shadow on me..
which i tink would follow me for e rest of my life.
cos no one's gonna/can help me step out of this shadow and live a happy life.
and i've given up trying.


for the past 4 yrs..
many things have happened...and i gradually began to start trusting my frens again..
and tts why i treasure them so much more now..and i care alot bout wad they tink of me all e time.
and tts why i rly fear/dread to be left out and forgotten..which i always do.
and im scared tt wadever i do tt might be wrong would make them angry.
"sorry" has always been my fave word which i use it every single day.


and im sad tt whenever i try so hard to turn up for something.. it turned out to be tt im wun be needed/wanted at all.. and maybe tts why.. im sick of trying anymore. maybe wad i can do is more of spoiling the fun instead of adding to the fun everyone's having. sigh. :((


sometimes..esp recently.. i wonder if one day i suddenly die.. will anyone else, besides my family, come to my wake? or would someone notice my absence?
and den i imagine myself ponning sch for one whole week or even one whole month.. and tell my frens tt im sick on the first day...and i believe no one will even realise tt i was "sick" for e whole month/week when i turn up by then..


life is so sad.
its juz so sad tt i muz try sooo hard to not be myself cos i dun wanna lose my frens.
i suddenly feel so fake. argh.
i tink i need to see a psychiatrist soon.
even my mum tinks i jing shen beng gui.. and gg mad at home. :


can someone juz tell me wad to do to make myself not being left out/forgotten anymore?


okay. this is damn random. and my bro juz added tt "this sounds suicidal". tnx bro.
bye.